Tim from my Spanish class back home recently left me a comment asking me if everyone was ok since I hadn't updated this blog for a month. The short answer is yes, everything is ok, although I've certainly hit some bumps in the road.
My host aunt, my host mother's sister who was living with us, suddenly passed away two weeks ago. It was completely unexpected. While arrangements were made for the funeral & burial & the general grieving process began, I temporarily moved in with the director of the program for a week or so. She & the housing coordinator were also kind enough to accompany me to the funeral & burial when they did occur. At first, I wasn't sure whether I should move or not. My host mother told the housing coordinator & director that she did want me to come back, but I wasn't sure what to do. I love my host mother to death, but she may not always say no when she needs to. Sometimes she won't give herself permission and folks need to take a cue. After visiting with my host family, I realized they did genuinely want me to come back. We decided to try it out and things are slowly going back to normal.... as normal as possible, anyway.
Last week, though, I became a helluva lot more conscious of the pressure I've been putting on myself to be the "strong silent type" for my host family. While it's certainly fair to say my host aunt's death has affected them a whole lot more, I was blocking my own emotions because I was afraid my host family would also become (even more) upset & sad if I openly displayed them. I can't think of anyone who planned to live with a host family while studying abroad who has prepared for this situation, let alone has experienced it (even though PRESHCO insisted this is not the first time this has happened). Even with the incredibly supportive PRESHCO staff and students, I still had an unfortunate breakdown in the PRESHCO office when something quite minor quickly turned into the straw that broke the camel's back. It left me incredibly drained, even though the staff was incredibly supportive and our rock star housing coordinator, Maribel, even took me out to lunch. I learned that 1) grieving, no matter how "close" one was to the person, is always an process in-flux. and 2) as Maribel eloquently put it, you don't show loved ones you care by building up a wall.
Through it all, I'm still incredibly committed to updating this. I've seen it evolve into a "virtual scrapbook" of sorts which can be shared with anyone who is interested with the simple click of a button. Although with everything I want to blog about, I just don't think I can update it in any sense of "real time" anymore. If I have to continue updating it into the summer, blogging about what I had done several months ago, that is what I will do. Hopefully that won't disappoint anyone.
Since I don't get to see some of you very much, hopefully this post will curb any awkwardness if you (understandably!) ask about my host family later. Plus, it's a good way to check-in about where I'm coming from.
As I always say, please, stay tuned! I really mean it!
